“I Will Be…”

I must be honest, starting this project has been harder than I thought it would be.  I thought, “Yay! Friends, Music, Joy!”, but did not account for stress, challenges, and non-existent comfort zones! (What the….??)

I have been very, very worried.

I worried a lot about how it seemed impossible for the 3 of us to find any time to get together to rehearse, and therefore, I worried about us sucking at upcoming gigs. (I am working very hard on myself to allow my own imperfections, but even so, I haven’t been able to reconcile the possibility of doing a full suck in front of an audience).

I have worried about the new skills we all are having to learn to transition from 3 solo artists into a Band (capital “B”)…and (did I mention?) not finding time to practice those new skills.

For a minute (or 2 or 3 months), I even began to worry that we might not be able to overcome our challenges and actually make this work.

And who knows, maybe it won’t ultimately, but…..today, I had an epiphany about myself and all of that worry. (Woo hoo for all that expensive cognitive therapy!)

So, first of all, I have to take the  thought of “suck” off the table.  At our very worst, with mistakes and all, we most likely will not actually go all the way to sucking.  We have all been working our whole lives to get to this place at this moment, and aside from the new skills, have lots of already well-honed tools in our arsenal. (I like mixed metaphors, by the way).

Also, and here is the big thing…I  am someone who once wrote a song called “Worry doesn’t change a thing.”  Yes, I wrote that…and clearly, had no real idea of what I meant.  At least not consciously.  Or I meant it, but chose to ignore it?

And that is kind of a big thing for me to learn about me.

I think I write songs from a place in me that knows things that I am trying so hard to learn in “real” life.

I strive to be the most loving (to self and others) I can be.  I strive to remain in the light, even as I sometimes (as my truest friends know) fall into the darkness. I strive to be the kind of person who gets up again after a fall, and pushes ever onward and upward.

So, today, I started to think maybe I should stop striving for that impossible perfection, and not just “allow” my imperfections, but welcome them.  Strive for imperfection!!

Meaning, work hard and do the best you can, and don’t beat yourself up if you are not “there” yet…Meaning, enjoy the thrill of trying something new and being on the journey of the “not there.”

So, I can choose to continue worrying about THE BIG EVERYTHING. Or I can choose to relaaaax my need for control and perfection, and actually have more FUN!!

Yes, FUN. What a concept.

Now, I know that seems like a stupidly simple choice, but you’d be amazed at how stubborn some of my old patterns of behavior are.

But I am on my path, and these are my lessons. And today, I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to learn this biggie for real alongside 2 of my best friends, making music, and mistakes, and maybe even daring to suck once in a while.

Sounds like fun…?

Actually, it does…

…kind of…

~~~~~

PS Writing this started me thinking about the chorus of “I Will Be”, a song I co-wrote way back when in Nashville, and am currently recording for The Inspire Project. Strangely (not strangely), I only now see so clearly what I meant by the last 2 lines…so apropos now…again…always…

I will be here

I will be strong

I’ll face my fears when the night is long…and still go on

I will be brave 

I will be bold

Follow my faith to a higher road.

And I’m not there yet, 

But I will be…

 

I think I thought “I’m not there, yet” meant that nebulous “there”, as in coming to a destination of definitive bravery and strength – of knowing. But, I now realize that “there” meant (and should always mean) the road itself – the striving for peace and fearlessness (and joy!) on the never-ending journey of NOT knowing.

Sigh…

I will be exactly where I am, and I will be fine, wherever that is…

 

Much love and gratitude to my beautiful bandmates, and to all of you whose road led you here, and who are choosing to walk a little of the way along with us ~ thank you.

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