Messing With My NESS


My heart is full tonight.

There has been a surreal, eerie feeling to the last couple of weeks, with so many strange interruptions to my state of being that I can hardly keep track. One unexpected issue after the next: from emotional slings and arrows shot from dear friends, to both mom and myself being hacked, to breaking my front tooth the day before a special gig, to finding out the blood work from my physical wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That’s not the whole of it, but that’s enough to give you the gist of the kinds of things I’ve been maneuvering around, a little like dodging head on collisions by looking up from my iPhone just in time. And all the while the Trump show is heating up, with more outrageous news every day…and that tragic car crash in the middle of Times Square…and the temperature going from 50 degrees to 95 degrees in a matter of hours. And somehow, SOMEHOW, STILL – tonight, my heart is full.

Whenever I get to a place where there is just TOO many things that seem to be “wrong with this picture” to count, a little chime goes off in my head like a reminder to CHECK IN. Check in with my heartbeat, with my soul sense, with the wiser me inside (now isn’t THAT a title for a song or book?! Why, yes, I think I will!) and ask the question to the big Everything that connects us all, my God – how have I caused this? And I already know the answer…I created it by feelings that have infiltrated my BEING.

Feeling anxious, feeling nervous, feeling rushed, feeling unsafe, feeling hurt, feeling afraid, feeling unworthy, feeling guilty, feeling angry, self-righteous, jealous, and on and on till it’s all up in my being, being, BEING. While I’m busy not acknowledging my own feelings (and boy have I been busy!) my state of “I’m holding it all together” changes to “I’m holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop” – and it does. That’s what happens with unaddressed feelings.

And there’s only ONE thing that can change my collision course – copping to these feelings and SHIFTING my Beingness.

I mean shifting my energy BEFORE there’s any evidence that I’m safe, that all is well, that the money’s in the bank, that I’m accepted and loved, and BEFORE my feelings have really changed. It’s not easy to do alone.

Fortunately, I am blessed with an amazing circle of close friends, incredible, truly awe-inspiring students, and great outlets to express myself artistically. As soon as I’m focused out – in a lesson, or a class, or on stage singing (and newly drumming a soulful cajón!) in the moment of living life, especially when I’m with my bandmates – clarity comes like the dawn, rising up golden-joy, and I remember why I’m here. Sometimes Murphy’s Law will seemingly be ruling my every step, and then someone I just love calls like my Anam Cara Vicky, and the sound of her voice will be the balm that reminds me. I have a brilliant student named Stefano who wisely says all of us have a “-ness” that defines us. Our true essence. He happens to love my –ness. I adore his. He loves my –ness because when I’m with him, my –ness is alive and well.

Tonight, after one of the scariest days of the last few weeks, I taught a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile, and after his lesson, we went to grab a quick bite to eat. There, in the midst of the rustic industrial decor of this healthy food spot, we connected. And all my emotions started to spill. And then his, and soon the restaurant was empty and it was hours later, and we were laughing and crying and our –nesses were having a field day. Thank you Garry, I needed that.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes to remember.

So tonight, my heart is full. I’m good.

And tomorrow? I won’t mess with my –ness.